It's ok

Thanksgiving is gone. Was it ever really here? Seems it was just Halloween and then magically - commercially, at least - Christmas.

Still, there is much for which to be thankful. In fact, I always feel thankful, no matter what the season. When asked to describe myself in one word, I always respond with, "grateful." Thanksgiving is the official holiday of gratitude, but for me, my level of appreciation soars at Christmas.

So, as we make that transition from autumn toward winter, harvest to Advent, Thanksgiving to Christmas - I find myself feeling ... eh, kind of meh about it all.

That's not like me.

I love Christmas. It tickles my heart: the music, the cheery decor and the long, cozy nights. I like the challenge of finding gifts and treats for the special people in my life, and the thrill of making it happen within a reasonable budget. I feel good about sharing with others; reaching out to those who could use a hand.

I anticipate the Christmas season just like a child, counting down the days, savoring the wait. To me, Christmas is all the superficial things like twinkle lights and beautifully wrapped presents and 4,000 versions of Jingle Bell Rock on the radio - and it's also so much more. It becomes a manifestation of my grateful heart, truly a season of renewal and hope.

And as I get ready to flip the calendar to its last page, I find myself feeling ... empty.

Is it ok to not feel excited about the Christmas season yet?

Is it ok to feel that way and not understand why?

Is it ok to go through the motions - decorating, treat making, shopping - in hopes that joy will eventually bubble up and gush forth like it usually does much sooner than now?

Is it ok to be like this?

Yes. It's ok.

No matter what the calendar says, or how many poorly executed Hallmark Channel movies are on constant rotation, or how many tired standards the radio stations play ad nauseam, or how many better-than-Black-Friday sales the retailers push, the truth, for me at least, is that Christmas is a matter of heart.

And it's ok if my heart isn't feeling it yet.

At first, I felt a little worried - what's wrong with me? - that perhaps my lack of Christmas spirit meant a lack of gratitude. It's a slippery slope once we start taking the blessings in our lives for granted. Truth is, there's so much pressure from all around to love, love, love Christmas at the very first available moment. It's the freaking most wonderful time of the year, and that time of the year begins earlier and earlier ... and the weight of getting on board with that can leave a soul feeling hollow.

So I've decided it's ok. It's ok to not have the spirit yet. It's ok to be just be how I am in the moment because I know moments like these will pass.

And there's still time for the spirit to arrive, and it's ok to wait for it to come to me instead of me grasping for it.

Heck, it's not even December yet.

Beautiful

I am beautiful.

Does that sound bold to you? It is a bold thing to say about oneself. For a long time I would never have said it for fear of sounding conceited, egotistical, vain, self-important.

Delusional.

My trepidation doesn't change the fact I am beautiful.

I know mine is not a conventional beauty, the kind reflected in Barbie dolls, fashion mags, music videos or in leading ladies on the screen.

I am unique. Damaged. Vulnerable. Imperfect.

Yet, beautiful.

You might disagree with me and that's ok. What you think of me is really none of my business. You might be appalled at this straight-forward acknowledgement. I don't care.

You might only see the fullness of my face and think, "She's fat."

You're right; I am fat.

I am also tall, funny, intelligent, talented, sarcastic, generous, caring, impatient, over committed ... a lot of working, shifting parts.

None of which detracts from my beauty.

Mine is a life lived fully. I eat a slice of cake on birthdays, have a glass of wine with friends, indulge in Christmas cookies, share meals with my family at holidays, have a beer with my husband on a Friday night. I built this body with every bite, every choice. This body made a family.

It bears scars, visible proof of pain and survival. I am not ashamed of that.

I am beautiful because of it.

While I make the bold statement about my beauty, please understand I do not always feel it; don't always see it. I still have insecurities and some days feel more lovely than others.

Yet that doesn't change the fact that my beauty is true. Every day.

My journey to self-acceptance has been difficult. Maybe I haven't reached it quite yet. There have been many along the way who have sought - and still seek - to convince me that I am somehow inferior on the outside and inside. Those voices can ring quite loudly.

Sometimes the loudest voice has been my own.

More compelling, however, is love and acceptance. You see, my son deserves a mother who is confident and assured. He deserves a positive female role model who doesn't shrink from the challenges of this world, even if those challenges are her own insecurities. He needs to see real women as they are; not as society would have them be.

And I have a husband, a lifelong partner, whose opinion matters and deserves to be respected. He loves me just as I am. He neither wants nor merits a wife who wishes she were living in a different reality than the one we have created together. I don't pine for past youthful perfection or some future envisioned improvement. He gets the here and now, and it is wildly imperfect.

And beautiful.

On the flipside of conceit is how truly humble I feel. Regardless of what anyone thinks - positive or negative - is this ultimate fact: I am a child of God. I am beautiful by his grace and love. It is His voice that rings truer than all.

And it tells me I am beautiful.

It also tells me you are beautiful, too.

I don't even need to see you. Maybe I've never met you. I know in my heart you have beauty from within and without.

You don't need to post selfies in hopes others will validate you. Don't fish for assurances to the contrary when you sheepishly declare, "I'm so fat." Or, "I wish I still looked like I did when I was 28."

Just know it. Accept God's love and grace for you just as you are, right now at this very flawed, ridiculous moment. Live it; feel it.

It is a thing of beauty.

"I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well." - Psalm 129:14

... and then it was November

It's been well over a week since Halloween swept in and out in the whisk of a broom.

There were plenty of treats.

Oreo truffle eyeballs

Choc-dipped pretzel monster fingers

And tricks.

The weather proved to be the biggest trickster of all. There was rain. Then came the cold. Like, I-can't-feel-my-ass cold. Then blow-the-hat-off-a-witch's-head wind.

Then it snowed.

Snowed. In October. For the first time in 21 years.

And then it was November.

And apparently Christmas.

While we're not celebrating Christmas just yet at our house, it's on the radio, on TV and in all the stores already, well ensconced since Halloween or even before. Holiday lights twinkle from neighborhood homes.

Already.

Our garage is full of Halloween décor yet to be processed and put away. We are not even thinking about Christmas yet.

I don't want Christmas to totally slap me in the face the day after Thanksgiving, but this autumn has been fun, hectic and lovely and I am not ready to hand it over to jingling bells just yet.

Besides, it's still November. And we will do November-y things like mulch fallen leaves, put the gardens to bed, buy new long-sleeved shirts for an ever-growing teen, attend all sorts of band and church events, spend time with friends, enjoy the fleeting fall temps ...

And panic.

It's already November ... and Christmas is just a month away.