I am beautiful.
Does that sound bold to you? It is a bold thing to say about oneself. For a long time I would never have said it for fear of sounding conceited, egotistical, vain, self-important.
Delusional.
My trepidation doesn't change the fact I am beautiful.
I know mine is not a conventional beauty, the kind reflected in Barbie dolls, fashion mags, music videos or in leading ladies on the screen.
I am unique. Damaged. Vulnerable. Imperfect.
Yet, beautiful.
You might disagree with me and that's ok. What you think of me is really none of my business. You might be appalled at this straight-forward acknowledgement. I don't care.
You might only see the fullness of my face and think, "She's fat."
You're right; I am fat.
I am also tall, funny, intelligent, talented, sarcastic, generous, caring, impatient, over committed ... a lot of working, shifting parts.
None of which detracts from my beauty.
Mine is a life lived fully. I eat a slice of cake on birthdays, have a glass of wine with friends, indulge in Christmas cookies, share meals with my family at holidays, have a beer with my husband on a Friday night. I built this body with every bite, every choice. This body made a family.
It bears scars, visible proof of pain and survival. I am not ashamed of that.
I am beautiful because of it.
While I make the bold statement about my beauty, please understand I do not always feel it; don't always see it. I still have insecurities and some days feel more lovely than others.
Yet that doesn't change the fact that my beauty is true. Every day.
My journey to self-acceptance has been difficult. Maybe I haven't reached it quite yet. There have been many along the way who have sought - and still seek - to convince me that I am somehow inferior on the outside and inside. Those voices can ring quite loudly.
Sometimes the loudest voice has been my own.
More compelling, however, is love and acceptance. You see, my son deserves a mother who is confident and assured. He deserves a positive female role model who doesn't shrink from the challenges of this world, even if those challenges are her own insecurities. He needs to see real women as they are; not as society would have them be.
And I have a husband, a lifelong partner, whose opinion matters and deserves to be respected. He loves me just as I am. He neither wants nor merits a wife who wishes she were living in a different reality than the one we have created together. I don't pine for past youthful perfection or some future envisioned improvement. He gets the here and now, and it is wildly imperfect.
And beautiful.
On the flipside of conceit is how truly humble I feel. Regardless of what anyone thinks - positive or negative - is this ultimate fact: I am a child of God. I am beautiful by his grace and love. It is His voice that rings truer than all.
And it tells me I am beautiful.
It also tells me you are beautiful, too.
I don't even need to see you. Maybe I've never met you. I know in my heart you have beauty from within and without.
You don't need to post selfies in hopes others will validate you. Don't fish for assurances to the contrary when you sheepishly declare, "I'm so fat." Or, "I wish I still looked like I did when I was 28."
Just know it. Accept God's love and grace for you just as you are, right now at this very flawed, ridiculous moment. Live it; feel it.
It is a thing of beauty.
So powerful, my favorite yet.
ReplyDeleteThank you!
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